9/11/14

Celebrating, mourning and waiting.....

Yesterday, we celebrated our 13th anniversary of being married. Fourteen total years of learning to know this man. What it means to be known by him, and Him. Cause, all that we are is because of Him. The highs and lows, the very, very lows. Things I've learned;

  • Prayer is important. Immeasurably more important than you can ever imagine. Those moments whispering ( or vehemently ) speaking with God, opening your heart and knowing He listens and is working in my life. Often, those prayers for change in my husband have revealed MY need for change/improvement/repentance. 
  • Make time. After the first few months/years of marriage our interest in our spouse may wane from the 'rush' of first love. Don't let it. Yes, babies, work, meals, laundry...more laundry. Pretty sure our hubbies would all be happy to eat PB&J while the babies watch a cartoon and we can sit on their lap. Naked if need be. Time to invest in each other will be the best time spent, ever!
  • Find a sister, or brother in Christ. One who will love you when you say "He is so unlovable!" and then hug you and pray with you and then send you home with the admonishment of,  "but he married you." We are mirrors of our spouses. Pointing fingers will never, ever help.
  • God never stops molding us, let us both be flexible under his hands lest we break in rebellion. 


So, yesterday's celebrations included seeing my husband leave for work without my goodbye kiss. ( I was on the phone...ugghh) We did exchange 'the look'. Makes my day, every time. Then I spent the rest of the day in a borrowed vehicle ( ours broke while trying to do meat deliveries on Saturday) finishing meat deliveries, banking, picking up peaches at our local country store, heading up to pick up meat at our processor, hearing more not-so-encouraging news, back to Potsdam, finish deliveries, rush to the building auction and look over a pallet jack ( yes, totally unsure what might account for a 'good pallet jack vs. a bad one) and place an absentee bid. Finish grocery shopping, quick stop at Tractor supply for some freezer containers and then home again. My men at home eagerly offered ( such a blessing!) to help unload about a thousand pounds of meat & groceries while the local Amish man used our phone to call his sick son. Boys to bed, finish putting away the groceries, clean up the house a bit and wait for my man to arrive home. Best gift in the world, to have my man back home again each evening. We won the pallet jack, our anniversary gift!
Our Shipping Building Completed!

We have both spent this summer in two different states of thought. The first has been thankfulness of how awesome the summer has been. Rain to feed the grass, grass to grow the animals, animals that are thriving. It is our business and we have been SO blessed! On the other end, our processors have lost their USDA inspection and we have been so very unsure. This means many things for us. Without that USDA inspection it severely limits what we can sell. Pretty much whole animals under the 'custom exempt' ruling and that is about it. So, for three months we have waited, prayed, considered and waited some more. Did I mention about my problems with patience? Yeah, God is working on me.... We keep saying "I don't know" and it wasn't until recently that it dawned on me, yes, I don't know but God does!
Chickens on grass

Logging in the 'Hobbit Hole'

John was offered and accepted a position at a local feed mill, working with his three other brothers. September 4th marked ten years exactly since he left that exact same position and while I KNOW that it is a blessing to have the work, the money to pay bills and the security it brings, it is twinged with mourning. For what was, for having my man around all.the.time. Sending the boys out and having them to 'man-work'. All those little things that the division of 8-12 hours makes much harder. ( My man is truly anti-phones so no texting....at least not for now)  We HAVE seen God working immenely in our lives. Eathon has stepped up, at 11 he now shoulders many of the responsibilities that were once John's. He is being stretched, a lot. Cole is learning that talking & walking/working is necessary to being able to finish those things appointed to him. I'm learning that my attitude stunk and hearing that from others hurts. SUCH good lessons in being grateful for even the things that don't match up with your plan. This has been a season of reaching out to unexpected people with the good news of Jesus, when men weep what better time to offer the one true Healer?
Why Weepest Thou?

12/1/13

Gritty

It is dirtier, even kind of gritty in the way baked in, rubbed down grime gets into things. There are smudge marks on our windows, cobwebs in corners, kids clothes are hung precariously on a hook. Sometimes the fact that they are hung and not on the floor is a victory.
 

I remarked to her. "Everything is messier than I imagined it would be". She looks around and agrees. We sip coffee, listening to kids holler, laugh and race somewhere, to be somewhere fast. When we were younger, she and I, we would have been sweeping the floor, bemoaning the laundry that really should be switched to the dryer, but certainly not sitting.

Life is grittier and richer than I possibly imagined.

I figured that with every passing day, my heart & home would be cleaner, our children neater and better behaved, my husband even more loving and clever, not to mention all those little niggling gritty details about myself that I just imagined would disappear. All and none of these are true.

Instead, I ponder the time passing, ever more swiftly. My insubstantial premie baby boy is now a strapping young man that almost looks me in the eye and prefers to be called young man. Best boy #2 also now prefers to be called young man, though he is unafraid to still snuggle with me. Our time with them is fleeting, crumbs will be gone, laundry a thing of the past. What grittiness of heart, what steadfast path do they see me walking? Life may be messier, but when sitting to read, to explain, to listen.....those moments reveal to me a true and lasting Glory.

11/30/13

Stories

What is a testimony? Your story.  That's it.

Some people love to tell their story. Others find it more than just a little difficult.

Much like a love story, it needs telling.


Lots of people know the story about the man who had a bunch of demons in him. Jesus sent them out into a herd of pigs. This guy must have been filthy, naked and living in tombs. The demons knew exactly who 'this guy' was and were, rightly, afraid. After having the demons removed, this man was ecstatic, wanted to follow Jesus. Who wouldn't? However, Jesus sent him back, back to the Gadarenes. They were the people who also asked or rather begged Jesus to leave. Isn't is just a teensy bit strange? You have this A-mazing guy who heals and you say, 'Yeah, leave as soon as possible, if not sooner'. What were they afraid of? You can surmise a bunch, the text doesn't say. What little bit that is often lost is the ending of that story.

                   

Here is the best part. Jesus came back later. After the freed man had told his story, probably quite a few times. C'mon he had to have been so excited to be free, back to a normal, functioning man. Quite grateful, I would imagine, at the grace of being saved. When Jesus came back, the Gadarenes were ready to listen. They were excited to listen, even waiting for Him to come back.  (Luke 8:26-40)

That my friend is why it is important to tell you story. No matter how simple or how awful the story is, its yours. It is your very own story of grace bestowed and shared with a grateful heart.

With that said....I'm planning on sharing my own soon!

4/13/13

Wrestling

   Being self-employed brings with it benefits and difficulties. On top of this, we deal with the public, its sin soaked masses. Then of course, there is me. Being saved can sometimes lead one to think self-righteously of your actions only to be slapped in the face with your sins.

   I've wrestled this week, not with boxes 'disappearing' from FedEx drivers hands, not with customers who rant at me "I've had a really rough weekend, and if you don't get this meat to me I'm going to just go home and cry", not with a dwindling bank account and many, many bills looming. Not with decisions that need to be made sooner, rather than later, not with sick planners who still haven't finished the building plans.

   For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Ephesians 6:12 

  I do wrestle too. My sin nature springs alive in vindictiveness, bitterness and all that is so ugly. Everything in me festers. Yet, we have hope.

                                               

Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in evil days, and having done all, to stand.   Ephesians 6:13

   It reveals my sin soaked self. So despicable, even to myself. It reveals, again, my immense need of a Savior.

And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God: 
                                                                                                                              Ephesians 6:17

   Today was rough, wrestling can be tiresome, dealing with personal sin even more so. However, I feel clean, refreshed from repentance ready to what is right and that all of this will be through Jesus Christ, my Savior who strengthens me.



  

   

4/6/13

Holes

Watching Holes with the boys, playing Bejeweled against my hubby ( he is currently winning, boo), relaxing, being thankful for a healthy family.

Started out late today...can I tell you how much I hate being late? Had 25 local deliveries for meat orders, usually like to be out by about 5am....didn't get on the road until 7am. My send off words to my lovely husband? I have nothing planned for lunch. Yup. Despite that, it was a really great day. Deliveries were made, the men put bales of hay out for the beef and sheep. Groceries were purchased, 100's of pounds of meat was put away in the freezer, baked potatoes, pan fried steak and salad was put on for us by the amazing hubby.

Looking forward to tomorrow. To sit, to rest ( it has been a while), and to praise our Lord for all that He gives us. It is all good.

4/3/13

Hmmmm.....

Tis been a while! Time passes ever more swiftly for us as winter transitions into spring. A building going up, a telehandler being purchased, chickens sheds to be prepared, children instructed in not only the three R's but grace, love and steadfastness. All would be nothing without God's hand, guiding, reassuring and holding back from foolish roads. Yes, even those.

"He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit." Jeremiah 17:8

 This is our family verse, it hangs on the wall to remind us. Not in our own strength but in His do we produce fruit, even when you can't see the water.

In other news, the boys are enjoying Mr. Bean from youtube. School days are flying by and we are ALL affected by laziness! The mid-week slump leaves me wanting to play a game/peruse FB/some other equally not productive 'busy' activity. So while I'm looking on others asking why subjects are not done, asking husband if he will do this or that, I'm SO guilty of thinking "can't we just take the rest of the day off?"

Eating has been a focus, the foods we eat, how much, and what kinds. Crazy, crazy ingredients are found in the strangest of places. Even more strange? Raw, unprocessed, freshly made tastes SO MUCH better. Everyone keeps saying how much all of our meals are more filling and have more flavor. Take a gaze around your cupboard and see how much high fructose syrup, aspartame or sugar of any kind is in your foods. It makes you crave more, and more. Then only more. We make a lot of homemade food but were pretty shocked at how much we cut out. Even better? We don't miss it.

We also don't miss the extra pounds that have disappeared.

1/28/13

I'm starving....


For news. Did I mention that we are also fasting from FB? We are, yup, yup, yup. I've never gotten so much done...... yes, I'm missing the news, the tid-bits but really? Is it earth shattering, heart changing, edifying ( only sometimes) stuff that I'm missing out on? Or if I added up all the minutes it would totally make.me.cringe.  Moments are being gained, moments to listen fully, moments to ponder with out distraction, moments of reading books, like my newest one favorite 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess. Check out the video below. She's funny, honest and I like getting deep with simple things.  "Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much." Luke 16:10



1/26/13

Day 2

Its winter and cold. -10 to -15F cold, not including our beloved wind (chill). How is one to include exercise into their routine I ask? Well, a few months ago we were recommended by a customer to try yoga for some back pain we both have had. Wow! Awesome results. From hands that were totally asleep in the morning and a back that literally wakes me up from aching so badly to, well, much better mornings. and days. and nights. Tara Stiles does GREAT YouTube videos, I'm cheap so this works.

My husband said he was starved yesterday. And, its my fault. I'm using MyFitnessPal to track calories and exercise. Yesterday ( I'm totally blaming chocolate levels bottoming out on my mistake) egg was added 3 times instead of one. Woops!  We didn't die. Actually, this is encouraging as what we ate yesterday was good! Never was stuffed and the feeling of hunger reappeared, yay! You appreciate food SO much more now. Which brings me to really  thank God for the food we eat, instead of rushing through the prayer. It really means more. Funny that. Taking away 'more' leads to being thankful for 'less'.


1/25/13

100 Pound Loser

Another weight loss book, right? Same tired dogma, eat less and exercise more.  How many times have I heard this and then tucked into a (big) bowl of chocolate ice cream sure that it must work for others, not me though. I'm tired though of feeling guilty about this body, it is a temple for something very important. 12 years ago, I prayed through tears to Jesus, please,  save me.  Recently, two very special people prayed for the scars of my heart to be healed,  to know how much God loves me. Right now, as I am.

       
Last night I read 100 Pound Loser by Jessica Heights, it is not long, or really astounding. What clicked with me is how she spoke to the very depths of my heart. 10 years ago my primary reason for losing weight was so that guys would look at me. Any guy, I wasn't super particular. My high, or rush came from their approval of my looks. This is SO hard to admit now. What burrows away at my heart now is my time here is finite and the witness that I give can be obstructed by my gluttony. Yes, awful word. Such painful imagery and yet so humbling. How can not go and share the my testimony with others? Today, we ( yes, my super husband is joining me)  have started to rein in unruly eating habits. My goal is 10 lbs a month until my body says it is fit, toned and happy. The Holy Spirit cries out within me to speak out and up.  There is a joy within me that just HAS to come out! My God is an amazing Redeemer.


12/12/12

12-12-12 ( OK, just had to)

I'm pretty sure I won't be seeing this number combo anytime again in my lifetime.

Orders packed, school work, lunch, little nap, more orders packed. Yup, pretty much our day.

Family Christmas party on Saturday, yay!!! Doing things a little differently, instead of buying gifts we are sharing what we appreciate, a prayer, a Bible verse or thought about our "giftee". Who would have known how excited I am over the prospect! Even more so....the kids!

We have been doing yoga stretching for the past two weeks. Can.Not.Believe the difference. We are still super tight and under toned but totally loving how quickly the two are improving.

My eyes are closing....starting to slump forward. Guess that is my clue to go to bed!

12/4/12

Emptiness

Only when you are emptied can you truly be filled.

I prayed a prayer Friday that went something like this,  " Burn away what binds, refine me, bring out the gold. I will praise you, no matter what."

Sunday found me in church, desperately wanting to be anywhere but there. Crying and yet as I promised in my prayer, worshipping. It found me going up for prayer and hearing words of wisdom and truth.

God is filling.


11/24/12

Should be baking

but I'm not. Should be working on "the renovation room".....but I'm not. Instead I'm watching my eldest son ( he is JUST 10!) taking the tractor out with a bale on it for the beef. His father yelling last second instructions and letting him take yet more steps into the realm of being a man. I'm SO proud of him. His gentle heart, yet full of mischief and fun.

                                      Eathon climbing small rock walls in early Fall


We just celebrated Thanksgiving with a small crowd this year, but ever so thankful that we are all home and healthy! Was awesome to open our home, to have it filled with laughter and jokes, good food and family. Someone mentioned to me how we were such a tight family, always seeming to do stuff together. Well...took me a couple of weeks before I pondered what she had said and realized how thankful I am for family. Two years ago, we ended up having a total of 3 Thanksgiving feasts. One just wasn't enough, ha!



This has been the BEST year yet of homeschooling. Finally seem to have a system everyone likes and is excelling at. Both boys are free to do more scheduling of there day which in turns builds responsibility. Reading is improving but even better is the attitude towards reading. So hard for this Momma to learn, I was the girl who would pile 30 books on the librarians desk just to see if I could. I LOVED to read, the adventure, the turmoil, the geography covered while snuggled in blankets in my bed. One day, perhaps they too will love it as much!   


                                                Eleven years....where did they go?

It can't seriously be eleven years, right? What do you say....we have fun! Goofing off and teasing is daily, we get upset at each other and we are much better at listening and forgiving. We are so thankful for God's grace, His melding together of two people. Pretty sure its only going to get better!

10/8/12

Weeks, days, minutes are flying by me, much like the Canadian geese to their southern grounds. They say, "hurry, hurry now, no time to sit and enjoy the grain, no time to rest, must hurry". Me, I'm saying the opposite. Sit, relax, enjoy this time, it is fleeting.

Two weeks of vacation, took one week just to relax enough to enjoy the second. SO worth it though. We lolled, played, worked ( who really ceases to do anything productive?) and thought, a lot. Eathon is ten, Cole nine,  a mere 18 months separates them and not much else. Work, play, imagination, each unique in their ways of doing but rarely separate when doing. Our thoughts range to the future for them, what will they be doing in another ten years. Are we molding them to use their gifts God has given them? Our prayers, they are being answered. Now, soon, not perhaps the way I imagined them but they are answered. Thank you Lord. Eathon needs work like breathing air, it gives him happiness to know he is serving a purpose. His little 'bull muscles' are getting larger and while a bit shorter than me for this minute, he probably does not understand his own strength and not just physically. Cole is two parts compassion to one part frustration. Whipping between the two is giving him a measure of patience for his fellow man ( or girl, or animal, they all rate about the same to him at this moment). He can now take himself away to cool off and yet come back to play and care with the tenderness patterned on another who won my heart. I'm loving this season, looking forward to every little second of it.




7/26/12

Bits and Bites

                                                     This boy makes me oh so happy.


Today it is raining, SO thankful.

We have a bunch of Amish men and boys coming and going today, our silo is being taken down bit by bit. Talk about up-cycling, it will be turned into two smaller silos for them. Cole is running around offering his oh so bright red Indian umbrella to a stately older Amish gentleman who kindly accepted it. Eathon is our photographer, a mighty good one at that. Who knows, he may have a future in it!

                   

Reading through Habakkuk today for the first time...wow.

Habakkuk 3:17-19
Though the fig tree does not bud
    and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
    and the fields produce no food, 
though there are no sheep in the pen
    and no cattle in the stalls, 
18 yet I will rejoice in the Lord
    I will be joyful in God my Savior.
19 The Sovereign Lord is my strength; 
    he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
    he enables me to tread on the heights.



7/3/12

It has been forever again.

Back when my diary was written in daily, secrets & dreams were penciled in every page and shared with no one. Now, a husband, children and an AMAZING God keep and stretch every dream, fill my days and utterly exhaust me ( in a good way). So, no journal is kept, no memories recorded. Most days I'm happy to revel in the 'todayness' of exciting discoveries by the boys or conversations with Bill. Sometimes though, I think, perhaps I should write this down...
                                                                    Eathon & Fleas

On to some newsy stuff; We did chickens yesterday and will be doing more tomorrow. Everyone is at the stage of can't wait to get these DONE!. Not that we don't love our chicken, but at this point we are weary of plucking, gutting, fine picking and bagging chickens. Eathon and Cole are such a blessing, helping in numerous ways where they can. Next Wednesday is the last day ( God willing). Such a day to celebrate!

Today is the 1st Birthday of our niece, the "Miracle Girl" Ellie. Who despite her momma being told, 'there is no baby' and ' you need to move on', stuck true and leaned upon God and lo and behold on the 3rd ultra sound attempt a BABY!

Bill 'helping' Cole to trim a tree

Currently, I'm trying to work on three bedroom simultaneously. Stripping wallpaper and carpet in one, painting trim in another and the other is a store room right now. Thank goodness my husband is a patient man. My hope ( and goal) is to have less 'groovy, 70's feel' bedrooms and a more relaxed country home look. Either way, SO much fun to see the results of so many hours.

Chicken if frying, mashed potatoes are done, a salad will be prepped shortly for today's meal. Blueberries will be sorted and popped in the freezer for treats this winter. Laundry, dusting and some paperwork. A nap maybe later. Listening to the boys, 'stories beyond belief' and enjoying the breezes as they blow through the house will be the schedule for the rest of the day. We are blessed.


1/31/12

10 years ago


I am 7 1/2 month along. Tonight, I will be feeling huge and wondering how much larger could I possibly get. After packing a lunch for my sweet husband before he leaves for work, I will chatter with a brother-in-law who 'just so happens' to have a nasty cold. While piecing together a baby blanket that I'm working on there is a sudden gush of liquid which surprises me, it is warm and smells familiar. It dawns on me that my water had just broken.

The Nyquil induced fogginess of my B-I-L is totally blasted away after mentioning that;
1. My waters have broken.
2. It is a blizzard out.
3. I can't contact John.

He stumbles to the his car which doesn't start, runs ( still blizzard conditions) to his grandparents and borrows their truck only making it to the end of our driveway, with towel between my legs and winds yanking on my billowing dress we slip and slide our way to the truck. Totally youtube worthy, lemme tell you.

We inch towards Canton, nearly missing a Stop sign and driving off the road, make it to the mill and John covered in feed dust and unable to hear the phone with ear plugs in. We all make it to the Canton Hospital where they check me in and put me on a IV drip of something awful to try and stop the contractions, to no avail. There is talk of transferring to Syracuse and due to the bad weather it is decided, Watertown is the best they can do. Through all of this, in my naivete, my thought was; 'wow, this is easy!'. The contractions were easy, the hospital staff was wonderful and I can vividly remember calling my mom and telling her that this whole labor stuff seemed pretty easy, whereupon she assured me that it might get a bit harder before we were done.

Now, I watched all of my brothers come into this world. Mom had three at home, one in the hospital just to see what it was like and the last at home. Labor started slowly but quickly sped up and by the time the midwife arrived my seventeen year old self was getting scared that I would be 'catching the baby'. I remember now why the broken water smelled familiar.

We labored, for a while. Somehow my eyes latched upon Feb. 2nd as being Groundhogs day and determined I was NOT having a baby born then. The lovely lady Dr., her name escapes me, was wonderful. She came in and checked me and gave the go ahead to push, this was missed by almost everyone ( including me), except my mother. Who, after about an hour of her daughter being told to blow through the urge to push was at her wits end. The nurse again encouraged me to blow through the next contraction and my mother flipped. Not a crazy, all out flip but one of the highlights of when I look back. The ironic thing is, that once the Dr. and nurses were all on the same page, I was given the go ahead and started to push. 'Ouch. I'll just blow through, thank you very much.' Thanks be to God for a husband who had been up for many, many hours looking me in the eye and saying, "you are almost done, you can do this". We did too, Eathon came to us at a little after 10pm, almost exactly 24 hours after this whole story started. Our scientist, doctor, inventor, dreamer and serious boy was born.

For two weeks he stayed in Watertown while I cried for wanting him in my arms. His lungs were in need of just a bit more time and we were SO blessed with some wonderful nurses who cared for him. As we left the hospital I looked around, waiting for the manual they were going to give us. Or, better yet the nurse who was going to come along and help us at home. This was the first time I was scared.

It continues to happen, regularly. What do we do about this, or that? To raise a child? into a man? 'Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.'Proverbs - Chapter 22:6 What happens when I'm still in training, when we feel ill prepared to teach? Our heavenly and gracious Lord teaches us. The only thing that has happened over the last 10 years is we learn to cling closer to this truth, to Him. That in ourselves, in our naivete, life is not easy. But, with Him, all is possible.

8/4/11

Flesh and Blood

We wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” (Ephesians 6:12)

Yesterday was an exhausting day, a day after such joy and encouragement. Unexplained problems that confuse and discourage me, until I am reminded by my husband, the shepherd that we wrestle not against flesh and blood. It makes sense, I say "Be gone, Satan" and the one on HIGH gives me strength. We are discouraged to encourage, but for a moment. Reminded of HIS sufficient grace and am again living on high, thank you Jesus!

6/29/11

Wednesday musings

It is a cool day today, not even June and we feel Fall coming. I love Fall, maybe even more than Spring. The mud can get anyone down. However Fall is colorful leaves, candles, walks uninterrupted by pesky flies and a million other delights.

Today; we have laundry, dishes, lunch to do and time to relax. Does anyone else seem to have to make it a point to do so? To make time to let go...to just sit back and enjoy. Enjoyment is all the time, clean laundry, fresh brownies from the oven, kids smiling faces over dinner - sharing a joke only we know and so much more. Lots and lots of times though it seems that I am moving while doing this - serving lunch, handing out laundry to put away instead of just sitting a bit. It almost feels guilty. Why?

Things I'm thankful for;

Cool mornings
snuggles from boys
husbands whispered affections
pumpkin pie
early birds singing

6/27/11

Hospitality

I write this because it has to go somewhere. This conviction, this pride must be purged. Being beaten over the head by a loving God, listening to others speak and share, watching it lived out in others lives - all the while stepping back and saying no. At least in my head. What hit today was what harm it is doing our own family. We are not your 'out there' kind of people. You will find us in the corners, hoping you don't see us. We wish you all the very best....as long as you stay, over there.

My home is not good enough, our yard not neat enough, my kids not polite enough. Not good, not good. I stop a second to wonder. Isn't that why I'm called precious child? Saved heir of grace? To what? Say, 'not good enough'? So is say NO to pride, lack of contentment - out you go, begone. These are the things that need purged. To say YES! Come over, share a meal, we have PLENTY and GOD blesses us with an abundance, the least we can do ( and just so happens to be something I LOVE to do) is eat and share. So watch out you Moms and Dad's I admire, the young ladies and gents that I know your face and pray for but keep you at arms length. God is at work....and I'm working on hospitality.

4/10/11

Months of stretching


Been a bit since I last posted, amazing what lives we live and how they change. Sometimes bit by bit and others by leaps that hurt and are exhilarating all at the same time. I read this book recently and it seemed to be an answer to those nagging questions rolling around in my head. What is true happiness? Am I doing all I can for God, serving Him with everything I have? Why do I feel as though life sometimes slips through my fingers with missed opportunities?

Recently joy has been my word to go to, to live life with joy. This has worked well, until I get tired, till I feel like I'm the only one with joy and everyone else is just draining me till I'm a dry hollow shell. Then, well it can get ugly. The answer is not so easy to get to...and yet SO simple. Instead of trying to be joy for my husband, for my kids ( and it is amazing how my attitude influences everyone around me) I am to live fully, serve fully in this moment for HIM. When I crack, I am forgiven, by HIM. When I think, there is no more in me, it is remembered - HE gives all, it is not within my grasp to give anything, but HE gives all. Grace, Love, Joy. And I am filled up with His love.